No-Name Roommate.

I didn't cry today. Because I just wouldn't have been able to take the questions.

Do you know what it feels like to hold in a cry you so desperately need because the fear of someone asking you what is wrong is just so unbearable? Because the truth is that you don't know what is wrong and so just saying "nothing" will just make it more of a challenge for them and they will not cease until they know the answer?

I am so blessed that my roommate will just drop it and leave it a lone but being a girl I kind of think that maybe it just means she doesn't care for me? Females think that way even though it is ridiculous and dumb. Okay that was the small fact for the day.

[I noticed that I usually only write when I'm upset about something...so if any of this seems like I hate the world just know I don't...]

My parents don't have many friends at all except each other and I really don't want that. I want friends, and I want life long friends....So how come nobody remembers my name? I'm starting to feel like Pete from the Disney movie Hatching Pete. That is where nobody from his school even knows he exist because he doesn't do anything to get "Noticed" and therefore he becomes a mascot for a day and people start noticing him. Because he did crazy and funny things. I didn't ever think that could happen in real life. But it's happening to me...and it's breaking my heart. People that I have met at least 4 times still come up to me and say "Hey I don't think we've met."

I don't know how to handle this. I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to think. All I do is suppress the feelings I have until they are gone....and then this day comes up...when someone you think you are friends with doesn't consider you a friend at all. When people call you so an so's roommate just because it's a better adjective than my name...It all comes loose all the feelings and everything. This is the part where I want to change myself. This isn't suppose to be like this...I'm not suppose to want to change who I am because people can't remember my name. But I keep thinking....It's my fault cause I never have a really interesting conversation with them. I think to myself "I'm a no one."

I cried today...or at least I wanted to.

Crazy, Right?

Everything changed when I step through these doors. I used to be loud, obnoxious, funny, great to hang out with...But now I'm just not me. Or is this who I've been all along? In my comfortable setting I wasn't the shyest and I wasn't the loudest but I met new people and I talked to everyone. That's just who I was (and hopefully still am.)

How do I break this steel shell that surrounds me? How do I break down the barrier and become who I was? This is obviously really frustrating and I can't seem to break this or shake it off. I know I shouldn't worry but I do. What if I am that one person that doesn't have those lifelong friends after college? What if everyone thinks that I can't o anything on my own? Like my roommate clearly stated just a few moments ago.

Playing "what if" is not exactly a great way to build yourself up. And that is what I need right now confidence. I need to figure out who I am going to be. Who I need to associate myself with. I need to make friends...and MY friends. Not people I was forced to talk to since moving in or people that are always hanging out with my roommate. I need to become an individual.

Okay, so now that I know what I need to be and what I want to do I should go out and chase my dreams right? Yea, It's that easy only in thought or speech. I need to be the one to talk to everyone come up with clever things to say and have a good time with people that I don't even know.

That challenge is going to be my goal. To be able to get up and speak my mind without anyone here caring. I did it in high school I can do it again...right? I believe so.

So what is this blog about anyway?

One Question.

In my Personal Fitness class we were learning how to create a 'mission statement' one of my homework questions asked this.

"What breaks your heart?"

What breaks my heart?! I was really confused on what this was saying. "you really want to know what breaks my heart?" I asked out loud, "Alright... here it goes." and I wrote seriously a whole page.

Things that break my heart: People that don't believe in love. Parents that don't support their kids. People who pick on homeless people. Homeless people. Children that cannot be provided for. People who give up their kids because their addictions are a greater love to them. The world cutting down trees. The world cutting down rain forests. Companies building new places for business when there are buildings that are empty across the street. Hunters that kill endangered animals. Church Leaders that don't believe in God. People that will never hear the Gospel. Preachers that won't preach to kids because they don't think that kids can be saved. Arranged marriages. People who say that they are christians and go out and do stuff that are totally against our beliefs. Backstabber "best friends." Significant others that cheat. divorce when little children are involved. Kids that grow up with Nannies and maybe a parent once in a while. A guy that says "I love you," and then turn a round and say it to another girl. Compulsive Liars. People who take their parents for granted all the time. People who say they don't believe in God because "if god was real then why would he kill children?"

Okay so theres a list... I don't really know but those all came to my head when I read that question. I've never been able to do that ever. Just read a question and list off a bunch of things that pertain to it.

But think, what breaks your heart? Seriously. Think.

Storms are Beautiful

It's one of those days...The kind of days where you sit inside while you are watching the rain fall to the ground. You dread going outside in the rain because your hair will get ruined, or your clothes will get soaked. I, on the other hand, love being out in the rain. I don't know exactly why but, it makes me feel free and excited to be in the middle of falling rain.

There is likewise something that I love about storms. Maybe it's that they remind just how wonderful and powerful my God is.Or maybe it's just the beauty of the lightning or the amazing sounds of thunder rolling through the sky. It's all just so magnificent.

Every time that I have ever ridden in an airplane I look out and there is some kind of storm in the window. I usually see the great big clouds lighting up and it is a great scene to just look at. The last time I rode on a plane, however, I did not see the normal lighting up cloud. I just saw streaks coming from the clouds. Some were vibrant blue, some were really bright white, and some(the most astounding by far) were an exhilarating color or oranges. I never thought there could be orange lightning but maybe I'm just crazy to not have known about it.

Every time before this point I would always imagine a lightning bolt as white. This opened my mind to the new possibilities. The once perceived lightning bolt turned from white to orange to blue, to very color imaginable.

Okay, so I admit this was a little wordy and not straight to the point but it's a good illustration and it's all true. =) All this to say that I have opened my mind a lot over the past couple of weeks. I mean if lightning could be any color. Maybe I can be a different color. Maybe the world and the way I see it could change dramatically. I'm still working on that part. I'm still also working on this whole shy thing... I mean seriously when have I ever been shy this long in my life? Just at college. Thats where.

Crushes.

Crush: To break pound and grind.

Everyone in some point of their life has that one crush... the one where you look at them and their smile melts your heart. One where it's never ever ever ever going to happen, but you like to hang on to that one last piece of hope that you have.

Have you ever noticed that when people are trying to figure out who you like they will try and turn anything and everything into a "sign."

I tried this the last couple days on some of my friends. I would ask them randomly if they thought I liked anyone... Most of them sat there and thought really hard about who I could possibly like, who was I talking about? about 10 minutes passed before each of them looked up and said "I don't even know where to start."

So the lesson for today is that if you can hide it well then no one will know. Ever. Also be careful who you tell because once it is out it is out.

Let me tell you a little bit about this guy that I think I might maybe have the slightest tiny bit of a crush on, he is an amazing thinker, he also is really funny, and he lives with all the right intentions of living.

But here lies the problem: If I'm not showing that I like anyone, do I really like them? or is it just all in my head?

Kicked Out.

Fifth wheel. That's a phrase I can honestly say I hate. I hate when other people feel that way and I hate when I feel that way. I do understand that people like to hang out with other couples because they have about the same relationship as each other. But really? I must say I do find it rude when you're hanging out with a couple and they are all over each other...

Am I wrong about this? Should I be the one to give up and always just walk out? Or should they be the ones that change?

Either way I know that it's going to happen again and all I can do is just walk away. Pretend that I don't care, Pretend that I have something better to do anyway. Even though I leave and feel like crap cause I feel as though I'm not special enough to have someone that special to me.

The truth is I don't need a special someone, I'm good enough by myself. With God. I found it crazy ironic that as I was leaving my friends room I turned on my iPod and the first thing I hear is "You're enough, You're enough, You're enough for me."Because the truth is God is enough for me. Sometimes I am just too ignorant to realize it. So as I was walking back to my room on this chilly, September evening I came to the realization that if it happens that I never have a significant other ever again in my whole life...it's okay. Because God is here. On my side. Loving me, like no guy could. I just need to be just okay with that. Because to be truthful once again...I was still upset after I realized that.

But now that I sit down and take a breather and think about it. What man on earth is better than God?

That's right...No one.